I have a house!
Well.. not really… its sorta-kinda a house.
But the thing is, I’ll be living with my best friends in the Diff, and its an awesome little place with a pseudo-balcony and a HUUUGE kitchen/lounge which excites me fantastically!
I am going to be baking SO VERY MANY things in that oven!!
My first pseudo-home!!
This is the most exciting experience EVERR!!!
I suppose it was only fair today that, as I sat in City Hall, rushing through the last 15 minutes of my Labour Law paper, something should go horribly wrong.
So there I was, sitting right in front, next to the invigilators table, watching them take sticky things out of envelopes and scuttle about impatiently for those fifteen minutes to go by…
And in my agitation, my hair fell over my face.
And when you’ve got hair in your eyes when you’re pressed for time, its bound to agitate you to quite a degree, so I, as most people would, lifted my hand to brush the hair out of my eyes and off my face.
And that would seem like the most normal thing in the world to have had happen, except, I, UNLIKE, most people, had the poor judgement of doing that with my right hand.
The hand I was writing with.
The one that was holding the pen.
And much to my horror, as luck would have it, my pen cap got caught in my hair.
CAUGHT.
STUCK.
‘Aaargh. Crap. Rubbish!’
And it agitated me even MORE.
And while I tried for a minute or so to untangle it from the mess of hair hanging over my face, I noticed that the hands on the clock were tick tick tocking hazardously towards 4 and 12… and I knew I just didn’t have time for it.
So my good judgment told me to leave it and pick up the next available pen and leave it there.
So i grabbed the next pen, and attempted to multi task by grabbing the dangling end of the pen from my hair with my other hand as I scribbled on furiously about redundancy and transfers of undertakings.
My self-disgust was only complemented by the suspicious looks the invigilators were tossing me as I sat there, writing with a blue BIC ballpoint pen dangling by the pen cap over my right ear.
One even came up to my seat and observed me curiously, probably thinking that it was one of those quirks that the crazy students did for their exam passing mojo or something…
Who knew having a pen stuck in your hair was such a cheating risk…
So there I was, in City Hall, on a Thursday afternoon..
Finishing off my exam with my hair hanging in tangles over my face.
And a pen stuck in my hair.
I’m going to PRAAAGUE!
For the INternational Youth leadership COnference.
LET IT GO by T. D Jakes
There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you:
let them walk. I don’t want you to try to talk another person into
staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to
see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never
tied to anybody that left.
The Bible said that, “…they came out from us that it might be made
manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt
they would have continued with us…” [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are
not joined to you, you can’t make them stay.
LET THEM GO!!!
And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person it just means that their
part in the story is over. And you’ve got to know when people’s part in
your story is over so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead.
You’ve got to know when it’s dead.
You’ve got to know when it’s over. Let me tell you something. I’ve got
the gift of good-bye. It’s the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in
good-bye. It’s not that I’m hateful, it’s that I’m faithful, and I know
whatever God means for me to have He’ll give it to me. And if it takes
too much sweat I don’t need it. Stop begging people to stay.
LET THEM GO!!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn’t belong to you and was
never intended for your life, then you need to……
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains……
LET IT GO!!!
If someone can’t treat you right, love you back, and
see your worth…..
LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you……..
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge……
LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction……
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or
talents.
LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude…….
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better……
LET IT GO!!!
If you’re stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new
level in Him……
LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship…….
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won’t even try to help
themselves……
LET IT GO!!!
If you’re feeling depressed and stressed……….
LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling
yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need
to……
LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new
thing each day!!!
LET IT GO!!!
Get Right or Get Left… Think about it, and then…
LET IT GO!!!
"The Battle is the Lord’s!"
I thought this was an amazing message and I figured maybe it’ll get someone the way it got me and changed my life.
ITS SNOWING!
I hope it snows on my birthday too.
Its in the most insignificant of things, sometimes, that you see God in all his glory and understand just how he will never ever let you down.
As I sat locked in my library cubicle yesterday, in tears, I’m ashamed to admit, I felt like my entire life was falling apart.
All I could think about was how I would never be thought of as much by the person I think of most, and of how I had lost a friend and about how I was truly alone and miserable.
And I sat there, crying as quietly to myself as I possibly could (because I was in the Silent Study Area no less) and all I could think of was giving up.
It surprised me, how low a point I had reached. I’ve been depressed before, but I’d never ever felt like I had given up, that I had been given up on until that exact point of my life. All I wanted to do was melt away into a puddle and die.
And as I sat there reading EU Law by Craig and DeBurca, I couldn’t help but wonder why I felt this way. I was supposed to be happy here. I was supposed to be content. I was happy and content. What more, I’d just got off a blissful week of church retreat, and I was supposed to be feeling on top of the world and celebrating how much I was loved by God.
But no.
It turned out to be nothing but a complete and utter decline into a chronic breakdown that I just couldn’t seem to get myself out of, no matter what I did.
And then, yesterday, at the lowest point of my life, where, instead of writing my EU notes for my essay, I wrote a long letter to God asking him why I was stuck in such a rut and why he’d seemed to have given up on me, He slapped me right in my face and showed me just how much he really cared.
And the moment that I felt the loneliest turned out to be completely turned around from the moment I got home in tears.
I cried for a bit more, until it got really old. And then I made the decision to just make some effort to try a little bit more, and opened up my bible, with that little booklet Lily gave me as an accompaniment to it.
And lo and behold, it was at a passage that addressed exactly what troubled me so much.
And I started to feel better.
And as things started to look up, Mum and Pa call me up. And all I needed to get off my chest, I unloaded on them, for the first time, and they were excellent at making me feel better.
And then, my best friends in the whole world finally came online, and I had a good chat with them, which not only took my mind off my complete misery for a while, but made me feel significantly comforted.
(Rina, Yeelin, Winnie, Sonia, Maalini, Mahiya, I love you girls sooo sooo much and I miss you like nobody’s business!!)
But if I had to explain just how much I felt God’s love today, it would have been at the park today.
As I jogged around Bute with Theresa, Justina and Gillian, the sweetest little dog came right up to me with a stick in his mouth, past the three of them, dropped the stick at my feet, and looked up at me with the happiest, most expectant look on its face.
And I know it may sound absolutely insane, but I never felt more loved and accepted than at that exact point.
Standing there, having a real moment with that adorable little dog sitting at my feet looking up at me.
A random dog.
A random act of kindness.
So as much as I think I want to give up sometimes and just resign myself to a life of complete unhappiness (and, quite possibly, humorless doses of lithium) I am reminded of just how many good things I have in my life,and how truly blessed I am.
I can’t think of a better way to end this post than with reference to the passage that put things into perspective to me yesterday; Isaiah 53 (if you have a Bible, look it up).. and this line from 1 Peter 5:6-7 that I got off the little book-
"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you."
It is probably true that the fact that I miss someone I barely even know anymore is insane and unhealthy.
But the fact is that I think I sorta kinda do.
Sorta kinda.
And while I attempt to make my plans to go home after graduation,
the one deep seated thought that plagues my soul is if I will ever see
him again.
Do I want to see him again?
Well, truth be told, I do, very very much.
BUt then I think about all the possible scenarios that involve it and they all turn out to be stupid and pretentious anyway.
But I’m not stupid and pretentious anymore.
Or at least I don’t think I am.
But on the other hand, what makes me think he’d ever want to see me again.
If anything, I think he’s made it pretty clear that he wants nothing to do with me, and I do get the message.
But I do miss him.
I would want to see him again.
And I suppose this is the one thing that keeps me unhappy here. The
only reason I ever feel like curling up into a ball and dying.
I suppose what I don’t understand is why it still hurts so much.
I don’t understand why I just cannot let it go and move on.
I dont understand why I just cannot forget.
To now say I wanted nothing more would be pretentious, and I very so
often wonder what it would have been like if I was never such a dumbass.
And I hate the fact that I keep wondering about things that I suppose I knew deep down would never happen.
It drives me crazy thinking about what I maybe could’ve done different, if it would have made a difference.
It eats me up inside thinking that I made such a carnival of things.
I
feel stupid thinking about all the stupid things I did then, and I feel
so ashamed of myself for not realising how irritating and stupid I was
back then.
And it only makes me feel low.
Every day, I wish i could wipe the slate clean.
To be the person that I am today then.
I would have done things differently.
And even if it still wouldn’t have changed the way he didn’t feel about me, it might have made some difference to everything.
And I wish so much that I had another shot at it.
But there are only so many chances you can get.
And so many things that you could’ve changed.
And
as much as I think that if I did do things differently, that I might
actually mean a little bit more than nothing to him now, I still know
that deep down, I couldn’t have done it then, and I sure as hell won’t
get to do it now.
I need someone to tell me how to make this go away.
To tell me what I could’ve done.
To tell me if things could’ve been different.
To tell me why I was never going to be good enough.
To tell me why I mean nothing to the one person who meant the world to me. Who still does. Who probably always will.
Why do I mean nothing to him.
I understand that if its just not there, its just not there, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
You can’t make somebody feel the same way about you.
I get that.
So why can’t I just let it go.
What am I hoping for?
What am I waiting for?
A revelation?
I’m halfway across the world, in a whole new life, with whole new
people, some of whom I know adore me just as much as I do them, and
yet, I’m still crying alone in a corner of my room for the same reasons
I did 3 years ago.
Why?
Why do I have to put up with this kind of unnecessary pain?
What did I do to deserve this really?
And
I don’t understand it. Why it doesn’t go away. Why I can’t move from
this point. Why no matter how hard I try, and no matter how much I
think I have progressed away from it, I’m still in the same place I was
then.
I still have the same questions.
I still feel the same way.
And
every night I’m still on my hand and knees in tears asking God to take
this horrible, horrible feeling away because I already know its not for
me.
And I feel so frustrated by it because I’ve come such a long way from my stupidity then.
But the only thing that hasn’t changed is this.
ON the flipside, I think..
If I were to see him again, what would change?
I have changed. Has he?
What would be different? I would still probably be not good enough.
What would we talk about? What would I do?
It would only be asking for an excuse to make a jackass out of myself again and then torment me even more.
So would it in fact matter at all?
OMG I wouldn’t be surprised if he completely hated me for all this shit.
I would hate me.
I do.
Sometimes I wonder if he ever really understood the way I felt about him.
If he ever actually got it.
And maybe things are the way they are, and he does the things he
does because he does in fact know, and because he knows this is
probably the best thing to do. That this is the best way for things to
be left.
Ignoring me might possibly be the best thing to do for me.
I know that I would.
BUt as much as I know that that should be my number one deterrent
and motivation to snap out of it and move on to bigger and better
things, I just CAN’T.
Maybe by choice, but maybe because I just don’t know how to.
And the fact is that it has done nothing for me… I still feel the same way.
As infatuated, as wretched, and as miserable as ever.
And nothing I have done has ever made it better.
So yea, seeing him again might only make things worse than they already are.
But as far as wishful thinking goes, I now have my Elie Saab dress.
So I don’t know how I should give up on hope.
After raiding the little kids’ Sunday school room in church today for our little prayer meeting, I looked around the tiny room to find a huge sheet of paper on the wall with lots of scribbling by little kids.
Amongst the scribbles was this:
GOD KEEPS ME SAFE BECAUSE:
and the kids had a go with writing down what they thought about it.
Amongst some of their learned opinions was this:
- because I always recover from my illness.
- because my house is not robbed.
- because I don’t have accidents.
and the most priceless of all :
-because I am not dead.
And so, there I was, on a Sunday morning, in a tiny room big enough for 5, rolling on the floor in tears of laughter.
Ah, how I love Sunday mornings.
When is a mistake not really a mistake?
Or rather, when is the right choice made still a mistake, even though you know that you wouldn’t have had it any other way.
I think I made a huge mistake.
Somewhere along the lines of October last year-ish (or whenever it was that the tragic Cuba incident occurred) I made a calculated choice and thought it the best thing I’d ever done for myself.
And in a way, it was, because I knew that had I not made the choice I would probably not have been remotely capable of handling my situation at the time at all.
And yet, I can’t shake the feeling that I did actually let something really good go.
Not that it is gone completely, but the mere fact is that anything else that that something good could’ve been has been truly and officially retarded in potential due to my superior decision making.
But although I do feel a tinge of regret at what I let pass, I don’t feel too horrible about it.
I don’t feel horrible because I still think that I had something I didn’t even want at the time anyways, and so keeping it around would’ve been complacency, to put it in th nicest of terms.
Part of me feels it was a mistake, though.
The other part… well…
The other part wants to go to Las Iguanas and order an Aztec Choc Cake to remind myself why I made my choice.
I will clean out my inbox soon.
Soon.
But for now, I’m going to keep it full so that I have something to think about.
If I had a choice to do it all over again, knowing what I know now..
Would I??
It is not often that I have such eventful Valentines Days as the one I had yesterday.
In fact, it is probably the ONLY Valentines Day where anything of any significance in my life has occurred.
But it was not because of the lovely dinner I had, or the company I kept until the wee hours of the night.
Oh. No.
It was because, midway through my soiree, I get a really random message
from Harri asking me when I was to return to my habitat in Room 4.
Needless to say, I worried sick that she might have locked herself out
in the blistering cold, thus risking hypothermia and certain death by
the grotty steps of House E, and no sooner than she could have replied
herself, I excused myself and made a mad sprint home like a complete
moron, tearing through Park Place in the glorious midnight to rescue
Harri from her tragic fate.
But when I reached, expecting to find a semiconscious Harri sprawled in a corner by Flat 3, I was merely greeted by a pile of old beer cans and a leaf…
No Harri.
So I figured she might have miraculously made it to the flat..
So I figured I’d go up and check on her…
And as I turned the key to the door and open it, a most HORRIFYING sight I beheld..
I walked in to discover my matress in the hallway.
My MATTRESS in the HALLWAY.
I stood at the door for a moment, completely bewildered and confused.
For a moment, I assumed it was clearly NOT my mattress, despite the odd similarity the bedsheets had with mine.
Then, I hear a loud snort from Harri’s room.
I was NOT IMPRESSED.
BLATANTLY.
And, as if it was not bad enough that my mattress was dumped in the middle of the damn hallway, Anna had to coax me along…
"Quick, go look into your room!! We have a surprise for you!! "
And they excitedly led me in.
I opened the door with my heart pounding so loudly I swear I could’ve died from a heart attack.
You could pretty much tell I was scared to death of what else they had done.
And deep down, I was PRAYING to the ends of the earth that I wouldn’t find Barry sitting in my room laughing his wicked ass off.
But no.
It was MUCH WORSE.
Now, I love surprises and all, but this was even more beyond what I’d ever imagine..
Because when I opened the door, and turned on the lights, I was met with THIS sight:
…Harri does a victory pose..
Oh. godd.
HOW do I even begin to express my HORROR…
Oh.. wait…
And I stood there for a full minute in complete SHOCK at the state of
my room, trying to comprehend its state and the fact that it suddenly
looked like a million hamsters had a damn party in it before it
actually sank in.
And then..
I laughed.
I laughed so hard I couldn’t stop.
And then, much to Anna and HArri’s horror I started crying.
BUt I was still laughing.
I laughed because it was a wicked prank. THE WICKEDEST prank to have ever been pulled.
I laughed because it was sheer genius.
I laughed because it was wicked funny.
I cried because my perfect night was completely RUINED by my crazy flatmates and their boredom.
I cried because it was MY ROOM that was victim to this genius.
I cried because my room was in an INSANE state of wreckage.
And I cried because I knew that they only did that because they love me and wanted to cheer me up from an awful week.
And so, it was not all that bad.
It got even better when I got home after class and found my room
spotless again, and with Anna and Matt waiting to serve me a glorious
hot dinner.
And everything was wonderful again.
Until Anna decided to make a note:
"You know, we thought it’d be really funny if last night was the night you decided to bring a boy home.
-_-
Again.. I was NOT IMPRESSED.
Happy Valentine’s Day everybody.
I hope you had a good one too.
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